I was raised by a single parent, back in the times when it probably wasnt very acceptable (late 70's).

My mother coped by setting up her own business next door so she was around in the holidays (even if she was next door) and could deside her own hours. She was also lucky that she found a good child minder for me. I still get a card from her every xmas.

Basically, i think it's hard for singel parents to work. I think they should, no one can be kept forever by the state, but they do need help like :-

*Subsidies from the goverment. (i barely earnnt enough to keep myself when i was employed, let alone a child too)

*A CSA that works (mum was lucky to ger £15 a month from dad when we were growing up. and she had to take him to court again and again for that. I dont thik things are much better now)

*most importantly i think is flexable working hours. If bosses provided parents (not just single ones) with a flexable scheme where they could, maybe, have school holidays off and make up the hours in term time. there has to be a way around it if people think about it.

I know what you mean about people saying sorry. I was the only divorced girl at my school. it never even occured to me i was different until someone asked about my dad and i told them my parents were divorced. they said "I'm sorry."

I never did understand that. Maybe you had to meet my dad to know what i mean.

Single parent families work fine as long as the remaining parent is a good one.

Ok where do I start, I've been a single parent since June last year, up until that time I had always worked full time as I was the major wage earner, with my ex husband working partime. At the time we spilt I was on maternity leave from work as James was only 5 months old, luckly being a civil servant I could apply for a five year break (unpaid) as after working out the cost of childminding for my 4 children even taking into account all the help I could get I wasn't going to break even (plus my ex took the car so I would have had to take that into consideration too with the cost of public transport). I also have Sean my 6 year old who has ADHD and as mentioned in a previous thread I have a lot of problems with him and school, and no matter how understanding an employer is they certainly wouldnt have liked me constantly having to leave work ( bearing in mind that for a long period last year Sean was excluded from school hence would have forced the childcare cost up esp as my childminder would have had to have been trained to cope with him).
Therefore at the present moment in time I'm living on benefits and to be honest Red I have enough to live on so Yes the Government do what they can in my circumstances.

The C.S.A I haven't had any problems with I must be lucky but as soon as the forms were issued my ex started to pay ... so there are can't really comment on (basicaly the system worked for me)

I don't feel that in todays society there is a stigma to being a single parent. I think the only stigma that comes from it are the very few isolated cases that we all seem to read about in the papers. I cant remember the figures but having worked for the Dept of Employment I know that the "typical" single parent the papers mention is a fraction on the actual single parents out there ie: most are very much inline with Red and Myself divorced working/was working mothers. Although in our circumstances we don't have "absent fathers" and I'm sure that maybe if my ex husband wasn't around then maybe things would be different.

I would be interested to hear views of people who were brought up in a single parent household, to maybe help and understand the things my children are now going through.

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by Cat
*A CSA that works (mum was lucky to ger £15 a month from dad when we were growing up. and she had to take him to court again and again for that. I dont thik things are much better now)

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Unfortunately it doesn't seem to be. There are cases that can work out, as in Sanges case, but they are the exception rather than the rule.

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by Cat
*most importantly i think is flexable working hours. If bosses provided parents (not just single ones) with a flexable scheme where they could, maybe, have school holidays off and make up the hours in term time. there has to be a way around it if people think about it.

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Employers do seem to be getting better at offering single parents work and being fairly flexible, but it is a very slow process. And the jobs tend to be part time, meaning the wages are not high enough to support the family, leading to the belief that benefits are the way to go. So ... back to square one.

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by Cat
Single parent families work fine as long as the remaining parent is a good one.

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Agreed. But I often wonder about the definition of being a 'good parent' by some people.

Hmmm where to begin.......
Well I was a single parent for 3 years, I worked full time, before and since the split, and I have had a range of experiences with employers and childcarers (but not the CSA fortunately, because apart from anything my ex has always said if I contact them he will give up work!). I have had a personnel officer tell me I was being paid full time salary for part time working - because my company allowed me to WORK from home 3 days a week, and be in the office the other 2 - to allow me to save on childcare, and spend a little time with the children, just after the split - I left that job shortly afterwards.
Childcare - what can I say - I've tried nurseries, childminders, au-pairs, nannies, and all I know is I'm skint,dis-illusioned, and my children have fond memories of 2 out of about 20! If I want them to behave - I threaten to bring back the last 'nanny' we had! She was cheap too - at between £160-£200 per week - depending on how many hours she worked!
The help the government gave me with this - approx £400 per year tax reduction - phooey to all polititians!
My mum was a single parent for a few years when I was little (and considering what a fantastically great addition to our lives my step-dad was - I wish she'd remained so!) Don't know if you can tell - but I'm feeling a bit grumpy today! :s
My mum chose to work because she didn't want to live off the state, so we were pretty poor (she is a shop assistant)- but I don't think it did us any harm - we always ate well, and what I can remember they were reasonably happy times.
I'm in quite afortunate position that I've got a good job, and my girls don't go really go without - although it has been a struggle at times.
I've never found anyone to be symathetic/sorry for me - most people have been more surprised when they find out - because I don't tell people as a rule, and then they just seem surprised at how well I cope. I think moving well away (130 miles!) from my ex was the best move I ever made!

I think most single parents are fantastic and need more help from the government, and I think ALL parents should have better access to good cheap childcare - having worked with a lot of Dutch and Swedish people - we're really treated so badly in this country!!

Right then - enough of this - or my blood pressure will go up!

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by Red

Unfortunately it doesn't seem to be. There are cases that can work out, as in Sanges case, but they are the exception rather than the rule.

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Yes I do seem to be .... every (without exception) single parent I have spoken to have had trouble with the C.S.A but to be honest mostly because the partner not living with the children has refused to pay, I think the reason mine works is the my Ex is paying. Therefore there isn't the lengthy and drawn out process of trying to get the money from him. ( although there is a reason he is paying but I'm not going to go into it on here ) so maybe when time comes for his reassesment I might be hauling this thread back out and complaining

I was raised by a single parent from when I was 11, and I have to say, I think it only affected me in the least possible way. Mum and Dad remain 'friends' whenever I was around, with no exceptions. It was such a shock when they did get divorced because I had *never* seen or heard them argue!

My dad once said "Would you prefer your mum and I to be miserable and stay together, or happier and live apart?" That was my answer. I saw my dad often, I knew both of my parents loved me unconditionally. I was a happy kid.

If anything the only way I see it having any kind of effect on me now, is that I'm very reluctant to marry or start a family of my own. I guess as a child I thought my mum and dad would always be together, and for a long time I had the opinion, if it's not going to work, whats the point of trying?

(Apologies, I didnt mean that to sound as depressing as it did! )

No not at all Sis

See that's why I would so love to here the views of children that were brought up with only one parent living with them, as with you my children see a lot of their Dad and I think that's so important, And we too explained to them that just because Mummy and Daddy don't love each other enough to live together anymore it doesn't mean we love them any less.
We try to not argue infront of them, and as time has gone on that's become easier to do. My main concerns were when we first split up Daniel the eldest took it very badly, started to get in trouble at school, became very withdrawn and would also tell his class mates ( I found this out from their mums ) that Daddy would be coming back home to live with us again....It makes a hard time in your life even harder when you hear this, the boys seem to have come through this ok now, although we both still get the "I hate you" and "I wish you would go away forever" from them when we upset them.
To be honest I think the only unaffected by this is James as he doesn't know any difference as he was only 5 months old when Gary left.

Well, here's another child of a single-parent (mother) for you, Sange.

Basically, my dad left back in '77 when I was five years old. My sister would have been three and my brother about eighteen months. So the three of us were brought up by my mum through the end of the seventies and the whole of the eighties. All pre-CSA.

I don't know how bad the maintenance system is now, but what I do know is that my mother had a hard time getting my father to pay up the princely sum of £20 per annum per child, as ordered by the courts. Later on (from about '84 onwards) he was still late on those heavy payments, despite owning a hotel in Blackpool, and turning up at Chrimbo and Birthdays to spoil us rotten, and then to disappear as quickly as he arrived.

I should point out now that I've got a few issues with my father, to state the obvious.

Was there a stigma to single-parents back then? I couldn't say. I never heard anyone say anything bad about my mother, and anyone who ever met her thinks the world of her. And rightly so. If anyone ever gave my mother gyp for being a single mother then she's never told me about it. But my mother's your typical Yorkshire Lass -if something is hurting you then you NEVER let anyone know. You never let anyone know they've hurt you. You never give them the satisfaction, or cause your loved ones worry by sharing. You deal with it. I'll have to bring it up with her the next time I go to visit. As for me, although I cannot remember any other kids at primary or middle school who had only one parent, at high school it seemed like everyone's parents were divorced. So definitely no issues at high school, but even before then, while I did get bullied for many things, I don't remember anyone having a go because I was the child of a single-parent.

How has it affected me? Hard one to answer. I do know that I was the one most aware of the fights between my mum and dad, being the eldest. I was a regular bed-wetter until the day my dad left. Didn't happen again. I have nothing but love and respect for my mother and all she did for us. And continues to do. I do have issues with my father, but I think they would have been worse had he stayed. I certainly don't wish my parents had stuck together, I just wish my father had been someone else. I could have forgiven him for cheating on my mother, I suspect. But when he left he cut all contact. His excuse, later in life, was that he felt it would be better for us, or less confusing, if we only had our mum around instead of two parents living separately. If I believed for a second that this was his genuine reason, again I could forgive him. He'd have been wrong, but for good reasons. But I know my dad, and how he re-writes history. I also know how much effort he made when he did get back in touch.

As I mentioned earlier, all we did see of him, once he bothered to reappear, was a drive into town to buy presents (usually, relatively for us, expensive ones), before being driven home and then disappearing again. My father knows absolutely nothing about even the key events in my childhood that shaped me. And has never showed any inclination to find out. Don't get me wrong; we loved his visits. My dad has a gift of the gab and is a real charmer. There's just no depth, no honesty, to it.

Erm. I'm going into a bit of a rant here, aren't I? Single Parents, not Why I hate My Dad is the thread. So I'll wrap it up. I think the long term effects of my parents divorce was a happier childhood than it could have been, a lasting respect of my mother, and a strong desire to be as different from my father as possible. I have suspicions that some of the issues I have with trust stem from my father's actions, but I think that would have been worse if he had stayed. I'd also like to say that while we were growing up my mother never let any of us know why dad had left, only that they felt it was for the best. She never once let on how much he'd hurt her or of his antics. She never stopped him seeing us, nor discouraged it. She always encouraged us to love and respect him. Only in adulthood did she let out some of the things that had happened and how uncomfortable around him she was. By which point we'd all made up our own minds on what kind of man our father was.

I'll finish by sharing with y'all that, amongst me and my siblings, a common (jovial) put down is 'that is sooooo Dad?' In response to something we've done or said, that could be considered disagreeable...

It certainly seems to be the consensus that kids who have grown up in a single parent family had a happy, fulfilling childhood.

Being a single parent is a lot of responsibility, but worth every moment of grief, pain and heartache it can also bring from time to time

I grew up with just my Mum - my Dad dies when I was 4 from Cancer - he suffered for a good couple of years with it - I really have no memories of him apart from visiting him at St Christophers Hospice and some of his funeral

Basically my Mum lived off her Widows Benefit (back in the 70's then her State Pension. She ran B&B from our house to basically bring in an income. I had hand me down clothes but as a child I didn't really care.

At the end of the day my Mum done such a good job of bringing me up and I did have a happy childhood. I turned out okay (I think )We never had much money but I was always fed and never went without (within reason).

Yes I believe that single parents can do just a good a job than two - in some cases more so.....

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by Jayjay
I should point out now that I've got a few issues with my father, to state the obvious.

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Join the club. Least your father doesnt hijack you twice a week in you office and try to be all pally and kiss you. EGH! get off me dad!

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by Jayjay
. I certainly don't wish my parents had stuck together, I just wish my father had been someone else.

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Same here. Dad was a looser and i wouldnt wish him on anyone (except his current wife, she deserves him )

quote]by jayjay[
But I know my dad, and how he re-writes history. [/quote]

So it's not just mine then. I think they do this to cope with what they've done. If they saw how truly selfish they had been they'd feel awful so this is their protection.

There are court records regarding my father not wanting anything to do with us, even tho mum, the judge and everyone else had a go at him. Will he have it tho? Not a bar. twas all mum's fault 'cos she didnt except his new wife. He seems to forget we were there and were remember how things were for ourselves.

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by Jayjay
I have suspicions that some of the issues I have with trust stem from my father's actions

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I have those same feelings and many others. I think chilren need a father figure about. Tho it's still better to have none than a bad father figure. I certainly dont feel deprived in any way.

Speaking personally, i find it hard to relate to men. I never had one about at home and i went to a girls school. Boys were an alien thing to be avoided at all costs

I am improving in relations with men (kinda). I just generally have a hard time talking to them and think all men are evil.

OK, i know their not all evil, but sometimes it feels that way. Am i making sence? It's just hard not to tar you all with the same brush sometimes.

The odd think about this though is i can form wonderful relationships with gay men. Maybe they understand a woman POV when dealing with men in dating situations. Maybe i dont see them as a romantic possibility so am open with them. Or maybe it's that my uncle is gay and he was as close as i came to a father figure. I cant really explain it.

So, now i just need to find a straight gay man and all my probems are solved! if only life were so simple

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by Jola
I grew up with just my Mum - my Dad dies when I was 4 from Cancer - he suffered for a good couple of years with it - I really have no memories of him apart from visiting him at St Christophers Hospice and some of his funeral

Basically my Mum lived off her Widows Benefit (back in the 70's then her State Pension.

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This sounds very familiar. My dad also died when I was four from complications after cancer. My sister ws born in the February as he died in the October afterwards. This meant my mum had a four year old and a baby to look after on her own.

Luckily Dad had been in the army and so she had her army widow's pension and child support, etc. Not huge amounts of money but with the help of her parents and moving up to Hull to be near them, she managed to bring us both up fine (even if Debbie can be a spoilt brat at time )

She even helped out (unpaid) at our primary school so that she could be near us.

I guess that having to be strong and do things for myself from a young age so as not to be too much of a burden has helped me to be so independant now.

Although I miss not having known my Dad properly, I have been told I'm very like him.

Anyway, now going off-topic so I'll just say that single parents (through no fault oftheir own) are to be praised for the work they do.

The ones that annoy me are the ones who get pregnant just so they can get houses and live off benefits.

Cat, you made perfect sense. And the idea of my dad popping into my place of work and trying to kiss me has left me feeling more than a little queasy.

I do, however, always get some sob story and emotional blackmail with every birthday and chrimbo card. But that's all I ever hear from him these days. Although sooner or later I need to send him a letter outlining why he never hear's from me anymore. I think it needs saying.

However, I'm still giving my sister gyp for giving my father my new address, after I moved six months ago. I'm about to move again, so I'll just have to make sure I don't let my sister know.

As for the re-writing history malarkey, I actually think my father cannot tell the difference between reality and fiction. He's even invented some stories where he comes out looking pretty bad. The one thing I seem to have inherited from him is a vivid imagination. I also think a lot of it is because he cannot understand that his actions have an impact on others, only that we can affect him. So some of the stories are his way of coming to terms with events (well, it can't have been anything I did...).

Father figures. I had those. Primarily my (maternal) Uncle, (maternal) Grandfather, and the father of one of my best friends since childhood. However, these relationships are never true replacements, as you cannot form the intimacy that a parent and their child can.

I can appreciate what you're saying about issues with (ostensibly straight) men. Obviously my gender means that couldn't have happened to me, and that’s why my trust issues aren't gender based. But I can see how that could happen.

As for the gay thing, I would suggest that two issues are behind that. First, the dominant male culture in our society demands that men do not open up about feelings, or even touch on the subject. This does not encourage trust when becoming close to them. However, if you have to deal with the socially conditioned self-hate that comes with realising you're not straight, this tends to force some emotional honesty onto you. Anyone who has ever had to deal with coming out to friends and family has to come to terms with being emotionally open and vulnerable. That tends to stay with you. These are, of course, gross generalizations, but I do think they are valid observations of trends amongst men, based on sexuality.

My mum and dad separated when I was 3 or 4, not long after my brother was born and I'd have to say I don't know my dad at all. He would visit when he could, normally around birthdays and christmas and a big thing was always made out of it but most of all I remember the hostility my mum had for him. When I was 10 my mum remarried my stepdad (who I always call Dad), however, my mum for whatever reason decided she was in a rut and fell for a guy younger than me - so she divorced for a second time.

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by Desire
If anything the only way I see it having any kind of effect on me now, is that I'm very reluctant to marry or start a family of my own. I guess as a child I thought my mum and dad would always be together, and for a long time I had the opinion, if it's not going to work, whats the point of trying?

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The only reason I wasn't put off marriage was probably a longing to prove I could share my life with someone without it affecting me. I had other role models to follow, my grandparents had 42 years of marriage until my grandad died and my in-laws have been married for over 40 years. When I did marry I don't think my realdad was surprised that I chose my stepdad to give me away.

Now I have 3 brothers by 3 different fathers which amuses me - they are all great but I do feel sorry for all of them (maybe it's because I'm the oldest) And I guess in my own way, but due to other reasons to, it has put me off of having my own children.




(Edited by Pegasus 10/04/2002 02:23)

My Mum raised me and my brother as a single parent for a while and I think she did a grand job

My childhood was very happy and like others have said we both had all we needed.

I feel almost guilty to have to own up to having come from a two parent family.

Seems to me that there are good parents and bad parents, and in both cases some of those will stay together and some will separate.

I don't know what it would have been like for me if I had lost a parent somewhere along the line (for whatever reason) anymore than people who did get brought up by one parent can know how their life would have been different in a two parent household.

Fathers and mothers contribute different things to the family dynamic and in an ideal world, surely you would not want to have to manage without either whilst growing up.

Absent fathers are often considered to have a particularly detrimental effect on the childhood of young boys who lack a positive gender role model.

That said, the CSA does seem fairly toothless as far as its powers go in enforcing payment of maintenance (aside from the issues surrounding how that should be calculated).

In addition, the government is open to accusations of making it appealing to become a single mother purely to receive benefits if the level set is too high.

Perhaps one solution would be government funded child care catering for children of different ages and allowing single parents to return to work more easily?

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by Incandenza


In addition, the government is open to accusations of making it appealing to become a single mother purely to receive benefits if the level set is too high.

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That's far from the case, I do quiet well on the benefit system because my six year old has ADHD and therefore I get extra money (yup can seem a harsh unfair after all why should I ) but that's how the system works and I would be unwise not to use it to my most advantage after all I have worked up untill last year so it's not like I have always lived off the state. I think most single mums on benefit find it very hard to cope with (although saying that we do tend to live in a society where we all want the latest gadgets etc ... another topic maybe).Bearing in mind however that at the moment my children are still very young and I think that if I had to cope on the money I get now once they are all in secondry school it would be a lot harder ( thankfully I can go back to my job once James is five )

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Perhaps one solution would be government funded child care catering for children of different ages and allowing single parents to return to work more easily?

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This to me would be the most sensible Idea , as it stands with WFTC you can get help towards childcare costs , its something I looked into (after all my job was to actualy promote this) but in reality in my situation as Ive already mentioned having my son whom I quiet often get called into school for it doesnt cater for that.
I think the system of help with child care does work, after all I have seen it work and I do know that you can be better off in work if you use the system properly. The main problem being as that a lot of people have the attitude why "should" I work for £5 more a week than I get on benefits ?

I think I went off a bit there , but the benefit system is something I do know a lot about. There is a big difference is people wether single parents/or just anyone "wanting" to work, and being "able" to work. Each case is individal and in no way can be tared with the same brush.

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by Sweet-Sange
(quotes)

I think the system of help with child care does work, after all I have seen it work and I do know that you can be better off in work if you use the system properly. The main problem being as that a lot of people have the attitude why "should" I work for £5 more a week than I get on benefits ?

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With regards childcare, i think it's time the goverment began to give tax breaks to companies with day care.

The mother benefits by having cheap/free care and they are always close by. if there are any problems it's not a trip across town and they can play with the children in lunch hours etc etc.

The companies get tax breaks and pay less tax. (companies hate paying tax)

The goverment however would loose out on its tax revenu which is why, i suspect, it hasnt (and wont) offer any REAL insentives for this.

Now, if they had T21 running the country.....

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by Sweet-Sange

That's far from the case, I do quiet well on the benefit system because my six year old has ADHD and therefore I get extra money (yup can seem a harsh unfair after all why should I ) but that's how the system works and I would be unwise not to use it to my most advantage after all I have worked up untill last year so it's not like I have always lived off the state. I think most single mums on benefit find it very hard to cope with

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I wasn't trying to suggest that levels were too high, quite the reverse. What I was saying was that if benefit levels are set at a high level of comfort, the government becomes open to the accusation that they are essentially encouraging promiscuity because child benefits would be more desirable than working. Consequently, political necessity dictates that those benefits are set at subsistence levels and hardship for the families involved.

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by Cat
The companies get tax breaks and pay less tax. (companies hate paying tax)

The goverment however would loose out on its tax revenu which is why, i suspect, it hasnt (and wont) offer any REAL insentives for this.

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Whilst companies *do* hate paying tax, all you are really doing is to make it less expensive to implement childcare programmes but it will still be a net expense.

And to be honest, I don't agree with your point about the Government. The amount of tax you are talking about is minute as a proportion of the total collected by the Government each year and in any case, if it increased productivity by expanding the workforce, the government would get a commensurate increase in Income Tax.